My Life’s Journey so far

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  • Signs

    Woke up so early again this morning. My dream woke me up I think. I was holding onto it to write it down but it slipped away. Although the detail has now gone, I remember it was again about the person I like. It was a good dream as I woke up feeling OK, not upset and as I was trying to hold onto it I remember it was nice.

    I knew I would dream as I had another occurence (for want of a better word) of what happened last week. Before that I would have likely explained it away but now my eyes are open more than they have been and I know what I saw. It wasn’t as clear cut as what happened last week but I was certan of what I saw.

    I know these are signs and there is a message, just what the message is is unclear.

    Am I being told to make the change in my life regarding my marriage? Is it to let go or hold on regarding the persn I like because I again dreamt of this person after seeing what I saw?

    Some reflection needed I think, but I will make any decisions based on what is best for me and my kids.

  • Last few weeks

    The last few weeks have been a bit strange.. I had decided to accept this ‘connection’ (for want of a better word) alone. Move on from it because it began to feel like it was going nowhere.

    Had a weird dream about a post on one pillar of social media, but I haven’t had a dream about this person in a while. Very low level and just their name in this dream.

    Went out with a couple of friends, I was not drinking as I drove. When I got home I was readying myself for bed and turned to go towards the kitchen and saw something. I won’t go into detail but it was something that I cannot explain away. It was far too definite, but also quick. Not fleeting so you could question if it really happened though. I have been told previously that my Dad (who has passed) watches over me and the kids and where he stands in the house (no way this could be known). He has also come through with messages. Won’t elaborate on who/where but although I believe I am also very skeptical about people being real so always need something to prove it is genuine. This person I saw is genuine. This makes me believe that the messages I have received are being driven home to make me pull my finger out in changing my home situation.

    I then had a night out with a friend (definitely drinking this time 😁) and I ran into the person I like very much. It was brief but felt meaningful. He has also been a lot more active with things where he had seemed to have completely pulled away before. I know he just thought I was absolutely not interested and although I was not forward, I did not try to hide the fact that my attention was on him (there were 3 other people out with him). I remain detatched in the way that I am accepting this is how I feel and if I did get with anyone else I want it to be him, no one else. I was prepared and happy to be alone so I will focus on changing and improving my life and if he decides to step forward I will be here but if not.. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I had someone I know tell me they really liked me which was weird (people don’t do that with me at all) so I know it is not just a desire to move on from my marriage but specifically this person I like as although this other person is someone I get along very well with (we were proper mates) I have zero interest in even exploring this. He doesn’t even cross my mind. But I think about the guy I like frequently.

    I digress. After our night out I made a post that kind of supported the fact that it was him that only he could see which he liked the next day. The night after the night out I was drifting to sleep but kept getting woken up but I was dreaming about him commenting on the post I made and when I woke up I look at my phone to a notification from him. Not commenting but liking an older post of mine. I know dream i terpretation can be subjective but I don’t think this is councidental.

    Now last night/this morning I wake up super early and I was dreaming that I was away (somewhere hot, although I just knew rather than saw/felt this) and he was there. All dressed up in a tuxedo looking amazing to me. We walked towards the lifts and we were holding hands and then put arms around waists.

    Before I know it I am talking with my friend (who was a bit of a confidant at the start) who asked if the airline lost my luggage. I replied no, it was beside my bed a bit confused. She said it wasn’t in the room and when I am looking it is actually missing. Now although I feel this is a friwnd I believe her own struggles and how much I have been there for her has led her to manipulate me somewhat to ensure that this connection does not progress. I stopped telling her anything about it, She thinks it is done and has never asked me anything or let me talk about it beyond ‘information’ so I am happy for her to think this. There is also the possibility that she cannot fathom that someone likes me over her. She is rather attractive. There is basis for me thinking this, but a bit long winded. Another reason I do not say anything anymore. I feel she was acting supportive but manipulating me to behave in a certain way that would sabbotage it. Ways that are not me at all. I don’t do things purposely for a reaction. We can’t talk about how I am feeling about something for 5 minutes but we can’t talk soend many hours talking about the same things for her.

    I think the dreams and events are sending me messages of things I know. Things I know are happening and things I need to do. There is a calm in this which is giving me some strength.

  • Sleep 😴

    Oh my goodness is my sleep messed up at the moment.. My brain will not switch off!

    Keep thinking about everything with this guy I like too much for my own good. At what point did he decide I wasn’t interested? Why do I see everyone around me being pursued hard and so much effort being made. Then there’s me where enough to make me wonder is put out like breadcrumbs and if I don’t then make all the effort then ‘poof’… gone. My situation is clear to them but theirs isn’t to me so for goodness sake, just be clear with me! Tell me! Or is the nothing because I was so off about what I thought I saw? 🤷🏻‍♀️ I suppose I have to assume so.

    No wonder my sleep is messed up 🙄

  • I don’t see a way back…

    Haven’t written for a while and I have realised so manybtjings in that time, or had things and thoughts further solidified. I hinestly do not see a way back from my situation. My view of people is changed to the point that if they turned around tomorrow and said ‘I see it all now. I know the truth’ I really don’t want them in my life like they were before. There is a saying ‘If someone never asked for your side of the story, the side they heard is what they wanted to believe’. Showing me that I may be a nice person (commented to me by many people, a lot if who have turned their backs on me) but people either just do not like me or they don’t like the fact I am actually genuine. Even when I don’t like someone I know it’s a ‘me’ thing and don’t feel the need to run them down or anything like that. I don’t repeat things I hear or see so no gossip from me. In short I am not entertainjng enough. There is also the fact that they are weak people who despite the whole ‘I stand up to bullies’ rhetoric, actually do not. They cower and pander to remain in the bully’s inner circle. Mind boggling..

    Recent incident was at a function where everyone was dressed up and drinking. One of the ‘crowd’ around the bully was chatty and friendly. Even gave me a real tight hug that was long. Longer than just a quick goodbye hug. Then blanked me completely when I saw them next when the bully was around. It was a ‘absolutely not’ moment for me. Either fake to try and get something to pass back (and failed btw) or thinking to keep a foot in both and that I am so isolated I will accept that. Clearly do not know me at all. I may understand due to my experience with the bully (and the driver for all of this) but I do not have to accept it.

  • Current Feelings

    In a word, angry. The urge to just open my mouth is overwhelming.

    Unfortunately it has triggered the urge to open my mouth about other things aswell which cannot happen 🤦🏻‍♀️ Problem is, the urge is strongest to say something to the person I like rather than about the person targeting me. I make vague social media posts so I am not direct, but they may be vague enough for him to not realise they are for him. I also then back out and delete them so he likely thinks I am a crazy person 😬

    I even avoided going training the other week where I knew I would likely see him to get rid of this. It didn’t work.. yet.

  • It’s been quite a while…

    I haven’t written anything for a long time, and although I feel I really needed to I had zero motivation.

    Everything has been very up and down with regards to everything in my life. I still don’t even know how to articulate it all so this may just be a bit of a ramble.

    Training hasn’t altered that much. It has become more apparent that I really slip through the cracks where care and concern are considered. I am an adult so should just deal with things as an adult. But then I see support being given freely to those that have lied and manipulated. I think people just find it easier to back down against a bully rather than stand up to the injustice. They will do anything to convince themselves that it’s not happening, even pretending that it’s not happening or it’s not that bad or even that I am the problem and it is my fault. But really they are all just cowards. I get very angry when I see anti bullying posts or hear people wax lyrical about how they ‘don’t stand for bullying’. What they really mean is, I don’t stand for bullying from someone who is physical and smaller than me who I don’t know. If these points are not checked then full coward mode kicks in. I am really looking at people so differently. But I also notice all the cracks forming and how people are behaving. Folks thinking you are stupid really works in your favour sometimes. I am kind and understand what ‘none of my business’ means. Live and let live. It does not mean I am stupid because I don’t gossip and try to see the good in people. And also understand everyone is human and we all make mistakes.

    Back to the awful woman in question who is the nucleus of all that is crap for me at training.. She has done it again with someone who I thought was a friend. In fact she has done it with the person who I liked, who I thought liked me. Although that was never going anywhere, we got along and I thought we were friends. We had a training thing the other night where we were all there and he ignored me to go and laugh and joke with her. I could see her trying it (as I have seen before) but really thought that he was just being nice as he is to everyone, until the other night. He sought her out and then stood with her. Wouldn’t look at me. I knew right then that was that. I am not competing with her and knowing how she operates, I know that I wouldn’t speak to him anymore like someone I could trust. Now all I can think about is that he will be schmoozed into revealing things about me. She is very insidious. And even if he behaves ‘normally’ the next time I see him, I will be wondering if it’s so he can find something out to pass along.

    I could be wrong and want to do something, maybe a social media post only he can see to explain it in case he isn’t fully in her clutches. But then I think, why bother, it feels very clear that he no longer cares. That I should just let it die because anything else will just end up biting me in the butt. The point is, the doubt is now there. He also won’t know he is the only one who can see the post, and may not actually see it either. I dunno, maybe distance will give me clarity.

    One thing I do know for sure, is I am the only person I can trust. And that makes me sad.

    Maybe more of a download on one specific point than a ramble about everything… Feels good to have finally crossed the line again into writing it down rather than bottling it up.

  • Training continues

    What a weekend of training it has been 🙂 Not as intense as previous sessions we have had but I have thoroughly enjoyed it. So many good things, and lots of things I know I need to work on. Some I managed to demonstrate improvement and some less so, but all still good. My patterns felt really good and I even got a lovely compliment on them from a fellow competitor who I have a lot of respect for. And he came over to me specifically to say it aswell which made it all the better.

    I did my patterns in more nerve wracking conditions today aswell and I can see a difference in my kicks specifically, which I have been working very hard on. The rest of my patterns are good, I know this, but my kicks have always needed work. Power and height, and I have been working very hard on this area. I can see the improvement though 🙂

    The dark spot of the day was being partnered with the daughter of the toxic person I have to deal with. Her clear attempt (and likely success) to convey that I am the problem was so apparent, I am sure I made a FFS face at one point. Thankfully the partnering was only two minutes, and also done on purpose aswell I feel. There is a clear reason I know this, but all it did was make me furious that this young person is trying to drive her mother’s narrative. It has been so long, and although I used to cut some slack as she is just toeing the line because of her mother, I also believe she is a young adult and should know better. Their level of lying and manipulation is astounding and I no longer have any leeway to give to her.

    It has made me realise that things will only change if I make a change so I will look for the most opportune time following our big event to broach the subject of my moving clubs. I am committed to just looking out for myself on this matter after recent events. I spend way too much time thinking about everyone else, and where I won’t go out of my way to make things difficult for others, I need to put myself first for a while to get everything on an even keel.

  • It’s Been a While…

    Almost a week since I have written anything down. I wanted to on Sunday gone but just couldn’t motivate myself. When you just feel overwhelmed with everything you want to say you just don’t know where to start.

    I have definitely realised that I have to change something with training. I cannot continue as I am.

    I have also realised that my interest in a certain person is very much not the best idea. I am accepting that it is not going anywhere fast and have resumed detatching. In a good way as he is a very good person, and hasn’t actually done anything wrong. Just in a looking at things from a different angle kind of way and that way I still get to keep a good person as a friend. Just as long as the awful toxic person at training doesn’t manage to turn him against me. She is very good at that and has done it a few times already so I am guarded even as I am friendly.

    I am also enjoying the fact that the other half of my dead marriage is away for a while. So peaceful, and I am sleeping in my own bed for a while so am actually getting some sleep. I have also been able to do some decluttering and sorting and been nice and relaxed while I am working.

    The weight of everything is still there though so motivation is hard, but I am starting to succeed in making myself move to start things.

    I know things will probably get worse in terms of atmosphere and him being a complete d**k once I have the conversation, but even if the house stuff and divorce take longer, I want to be officially seperated at the very least. I want to start using my maiden name, and if I manage to get to the point of opening my own school, I want to use my maiden name. My ‘husband’ has never trained, never been very supportive so I am 100% not using his name when I do this good thing. It is also annoying that when I compete, it is not my family name that is recorded. It should be MY name. I am me and I want to stand apart from him on this thing that is so important to me. My plan is for my belt to have my maiden name.

    Planning to force myself to move so motivation to tidy certain areas in the house will kick in. Need to make the most of this time that I have without him around to make some things better and get on top of those things I struggle to when he is around. Wish me luck 🙂

    It also means I will make a tidy area to so some crafting which I really enjoy aswell. It settles my mind, but I don’t do it at the moment because of the clutter. Once it is organised and tidy I can dip in and out when I have some time. Just the thought of it makes me a little bit happier 🙂

  • Realisations

    I had a conversation today which made me realise that I am waiting for things to improve at training, but they are never going to. In fact they are only going to get worse. The person in question is definitely comfortable being an absolute arse at training and is becoming less subtle and now trying to make it seem as though it is me a touch more openly.

    You cannot do what you have and have me act as though all is OK for your comfort. I am not concerned with ‘appearances’. If you want to appear like a good person, be a bloody good person! If you are not a good person, so not expect me to play along with your charade.

    Problem is, everyone else is buying into her BS, and clearly are on the ‘appearances’ train with her.

    I feel at the moment that if my plans to move places to train does not happen, there is a real possibility that I may just quit altogether. Which I REALLY do not want to do. However, if I believe there is no other avenue open to me, I will do it. And I will not protect anyone. If I am able to move, I will give a party line on why, as I know that the right people will know exactly why, because I will lay it out in great detail.

    Hopefully being a calm person who is able to articulate well will help me in my endeavours..

    Maybe it’s a moot point. Maybe I will have to start over somewhere else anyway because I plan to get divorced. We shall see what happens after my big event. Writing like this has definitely helped me feel stronger, I may just throw some truth grenades out there at inopportune moments. I am usually very closed mouthed so these will take even me by suprise. What I do know is, things are bubbling up.

  • 4 Days

    It has been 4 days since I have written anything down. Writing has helped so much that I have felt the difference with this 4 day gap.

    I have been training quite a lot, hard training which has been good. I even managed to punch an exceptional fighter right in the face over the weekend. That sounds aggressive but it was just TKD sparring and showed me I am actually more capable that I give myself credit for with sparring. I don’t usually have the ‘fight’ to be truly good at it, but am working on it always. Weirdly, she backed off after that where I expected her to go much harder on me.

    I have also had a couple of good social outings 🙂 Really let loose and had a good drink with a couple of girlfriends over the weekend and it was fun. There will be no more of that now until after my big upcoming event, but am planning an evening with all those I am close with. With nothing to do the day after…

    As far as the awful person at training goes, she was up to her old tricks again last week. We were both helping in the main class and she and her daughter decided to ‘help’ where our instructor asks me to help. Sauntered up like she owned the place and the face she had made sure I knew she was doing it to make me feel insignificant and uncomfortable. I edged away but not for the reasons she did it. I am making sure there is no opportunity for her to lie about me, or to directly try to make me feel like I am not good enough as an instructor. She just made herself look like the bully she is (to me at least). I know our main instructor saw them doing this aswell, except because I currently remain silent it is OK and it will be accepted. What everyone fails to see (even though I have actually said on previous occasions that I seem to ‘accept’ things.. until I don’t) is that all these instances where people are happy for me to be in this situation because it makes it easier for them not having to actually put their money where their mouths are regarding bullying (which is not always physical) and they can convince themselves all is OK. All that does is tell me that my potential future plans are looking more and more like the right thing for me to pursue. A conversation with someone who can actually make my plans happen is definitely going to happen as long as things are as they are.

    The narrative was previously that what I am thinking as a solution would not be possible or available to us, but I have serious doubts that this is actually true. The point is, I have nothing to lose. If I get to the stage where I feel that my only option is to leave altogether then there is no reason not to have the conversation. The worst that can happen is that I have to leave, but it will ensure that the real reason is known, and if I am in that position I will tell anyone who will listen exactly why I am going. I will remain silent if I am allowed to transfer to the other club. Not as blackmail, I wouldn’t even voice it during the discussion, but I would feel compelled to keep it to those need to know rather than being open with everyone. It would also achieve my being able to voice my predicament, so outing the bully without making it a thing. That can only be a good thing, highlighting that this is happening. I am not big or flashy, I move how I move for me and sometimes I think that voice can be louder an d more impactful because of its quiet nature.

    Writing all this down has given me strength to consider all these changes. I do not blame my main instructor, there are circumstances that place him in a very difficult position and the sneaky nature of the bully make it almost impossible to actually do anything official. What I cannot take though is the responsibilities that have been given to this bully and the elevation it has afforded her. I can see how the manipulation has happened, but I do not think I should suffer for it as I am because of someone else’s personal circumstances. All the extra elevation was not necessary. I see why it was done, but again, I am collateral damage in a situation that has driven this that is nothing to do with me at all. Absolutely not!

    The pain of isolation where I was once accepted, liked (or so I thought) and respected because of someone’s lies is just unbearable. When I think of it in those terms I just cannot accept it. People think I am weak because I am silent and I stay but they have no idea how much strength I have to be able to do that. No idea at all. They will realise exactly who I am when I speak up. As I said, it will not be flashy or loud and dramatic but it will be powerful and something that cannot be ignored.