My Life’s Journey so far

I have had a really good day today. Feeling a little sad still about the withdrawal of a certain person. I cannot complain but I have felt it and I miss him.

However, I understand and can do nothing but accept it.

I was productive at work, then I went to have a catch up with a very good friend who I don’t get to see that often. It was so good, and for once I actually got to talk to a real person about some things and how I am feeling. She did too. I am alway there for people when they have stuff going on as a listening ear, however and how much they need. The only thing with that is I tend to become the listener always and never the listened to so always remain alone with my issues which could be made better by talking it out.

I have found lately swell, that this has happened in one particular case so when I do speak, it always circles back round to the other person and what they are going through, and quickly, even though we have gone over the same thing so very many times. It is never about me. I always felt I couldn’t say that as it seems to be so selfish of me, but I am now seeing that it isn’t, I need o talk too. I need my friends to be there for me like I am for them. I don’t need it all the time, just once in a while. I have also realised that when I do push through the circling and talk about me, whether it is a problem or something good that has happened, the conversation seems to end much more swiftly, but if I then start talking about them, they suddenly have more time again.

I cannot change who I am, and how I am and I don’t even think I want to but I do have to set some boundaries with my time. Instead of being that person who drops everything to help a friend in need, I need to be discerning on whether it is the urgent matter that is being portrayed. Maybe even say I can’t see you in person today but lets call later, and keep it to a time limit.

I think of all the times I stayed up till around 2am on many occasions talking through the same things to help someone feel better, but when we have been on about 11pm and I am talking, I suddenly get the whole ‘I have to go as I have to be up for work n the morning’ speech. There is a huge lesson for me there. Only give what time is actually free, don’t free it all the time by sacrificing myself because it is then expected and when it is requested by me, it is deemed unreasonable.

My natural helpfulness just makes people use me. That is changing, and I have made changes with this already. Small steps, like conditioning people to respect my time and boundaries again. I do not want to fall out and I think an instant massive change may look like that. I want to get back to the friendship as it was before I became a dumping ground who was available at the drop of a hat. It is possible as this person is actually good people.

My friend I saw today was the absolute tonic I needed. She is so level headed and does not pull any punches so I know I only hear the truth from her. Not in a mean way, just in a very clear defined caring way. She also told me she thought I looked really well, really healthy (I actually loved that), and I was glowing. I know it’s because my mindset is changing and I am becoming stronger. She is very perceptive 🙂

I have training tomorrow and it is going to be hot, but I am looking forward to it in a way I cannot describe.