My Life’s Journey so far

In addition to all my issues with certain people at training, my home life is also still just as toxic. I think once your eyes start opening to particular behaviours and you start changing and deciding that you are no longer willing to accept them to ‘keep the peace’ and making the effort to maintain whatever relationship there is, the whole world turns upside down.

I thought what horrible timing to have to deal with a fake friend turning and the breakdown of my marriage at the same time, but it was really a by product of me levelling up and becoming less tolerant of bad behaviour. I have been told in the last year/year and a half that I have had what is termed a major ‘glow up’. Every time I move into a phase of genuinely not caring about these people and what they are about (it comes in waves) then things always seem to get worse, or something happens to create drama (always from their side). The pattern is becoming clearer to me. I noticed it and have been sort of tracking it to test my theory.

Seeing good friends this last week and the comments they have made has made me realise that when I am feeling good, I ‘glow’ (for want of a better term) and it’s like all those people who benefitted from me having no self esteem then try to knock me back down. When something good would happen to me (before) there would always be something to take the shine off of it, it could never be celebrated as an achievement. At home it would be ‘Oh that’s great’ then some unrelated drama that would enable him to be in a mood and rant and generally divert any attention away, and the good thing would be sidelined. That way he could say he was ‘supportive’ and celebrated things, but would then ruin it with something else and not be called out on it because it was something else. I noticed those patterns too.

The lack of support on my TKD journey I realised was because he knew nothing about it so couldn’t tell me what I should do or dispense his ‘advice’ that had to be taken. Everything else I did it was always ‘you should do this’ and not as a suggestion as it implied, because if I didn’t do it his way it would for sure not work/go wrong. But with TKD that wasn’t possible. Even my first ever competition, he wished our kids good luck and didn’t say a word to me. And he was dropping them off… when I pointed out I was competing too, he just said ‘Oh, I didn’t know’ and proceeded to still say nothing. I was going early with our youngest (different timings). If I said anything it would be ‘but you don’t need it/like having any attention drawn to you’, which is true, but from your partner it is more about the support. I won 3 golds on my first competition and when he turned up with the boys it was after I had competed so I had no support even though I was as nervous as hell. Again, if I said anything it would be ‘you didn’t tell me you wanted us to come and watch you’. I mean how obtuse do you have to be to know your wife might want some support without having to ask for it. Seriously. Clearer vision is something else because at the time I felt I would have been too needy if I asked for that basic thing.

After dropping the oldest two, he didn’t even ask how I got on. When the children did (they could see my trophy boxes) and I told them, he didn’t even look up let alone say anything. I felt awful then, but looking back I see that it was him not liking the fact that I was doing something he knew nothing about and had started getting good at it to boot. There was an area of my life that he had no control over.

Writing stuff down reminds me more and more of particular instances and helps me understand which helps me get stronger. I think I need to do a general piece about the situation at TKD (detailed ones seperately) as that will give me strength going into the new week to face that.

The more I think on it the more I feel a change might be just what I need. Not TKD, I love that too much, but where I train. Timing has to be just right though.