My Life’s Journey so far

I haven’t written anything for a long time, and although I feel I really needed to I had zero motivation.

Everything has been very up and down with regards to everything in my life. I still don’t even know how to articulate it all so this may just be a bit of a ramble.

Training hasn’t altered that much. It has become more apparent that I really slip through the cracks where care and concern are considered. I am an adult so should just deal with things as an adult. But then I see support being given freely to those that have lied and manipulated. I think people just find it easier to back down against a bully rather than stand up to the injustice. They will do anything to convince themselves that it’s not happening, even pretending that it’s not happening or it’s not that bad or even that I am the problem and it is my fault. But really they are all just cowards. I get very angry when I see anti bullying posts or hear people wax lyrical about how they ‘don’t stand for bullying’. What they really mean is, I don’t stand for bullying from someone who is physical and smaller than me who I don’t know. If these points are not checked then full coward mode kicks in. I am really looking at people so differently. But I also notice all the cracks forming and how people are behaving. Folks thinking you are stupid really works in your favour sometimes. I am kind and understand what ‘none of my business’ means. Live and let live. It does not mean I am stupid because I don’t gossip and try to see the good in people. And also understand everyone is human and we all make mistakes.

Back to the awful woman in question who is the nucleus of all that is crap for me at training.. She has done it again with someone who I thought was a friend. In fact she has done it with the person who I liked, who I thought liked me. Although that was never going anywhere, we got along and I thought we were friends. We had a training thing the other night where we were all there and he ignored me to go and laugh and joke with her. I could see her trying it (as I have seen before) but really thought that he was just being nice as he is to everyone, until the other night. He sought her out and then stood with her. Wouldn’t look at me. I knew right then that was that. I am not competing with her and knowing how she operates, I know that I wouldn’t speak to him anymore like someone I could trust. Now all I can think about is that he will be schmoozed into revealing things about me. She is very insidious. And even if he behaves ‘normally’ the next time I see him, I will be wondering if it’s so he can find something out to pass along.

I could be wrong and want to do something, maybe a social media post only he can see to explain it in case he isn’t fully in her clutches. But then I think, why bother, it feels very clear that he no longer cares. That I should just let it die because anything else will just end up biting me in the butt. The point is, the doubt is now there. He also won’t know he is the only one who can see the post, and may not actually see it either. I dunno, maybe distance will give me clarity.

One thing I do know for sure, is I am the only person I can trust. And that makes me sad.

Maybe more of a download on one specific point than a ramble about everything… Feels good to have finally crossed the line again into writing it down rather than bottling it up.