My Life’s Journey so far

recent posts

about

  • Last Few Days

    Haven’t written anything in a few days, but I am still feeling positive. I have taken control of my finances and organised things differently so I can manage it better. Having control back in one area has been brilliant.

    I also had the best night out with my good friend last night. We had so much fun and it was something I really needed. Not the usual pub visit either, we went to a concert and had the absolute best time!

    Traning problems with a particular horrid person still persist, but I am also looking at that differently. How sad to be so mean spirited in your heart to behave in that way towards someone else for no reason other than jealousy. Ridiculous jealousy too. I was at training a couple of nights ago and she was being passive aggressive to make me feel crap, all it did was highlight what an absolute awful person she is. I just kept looking around at all the people who don’t even acknowledge me anymore and thinking that the option to move clubs is looking like the best option for me. Once the next event is over, I will broach the subject and I am also going to make it crystal clear the reason why is 100% this person. I am no longer protecting her with my silence. I am also going to talk on the subject of my opening my own school, with all my research prepared and ready to go.

    Wish me luck 🙂

  • Things at Home

    In addition to all my issues with certain people at training, my home life is also still just as toxic. I think once your eyes start opening to particular behaviours and you start changing and deciding that you are no longer willing to accept them to ‘keep the peace’ and making the effort to maintain whatever relationship there is, the whole world turns upside down.

    I thought what horrible timing to have to deal with a fake friend turning and the breakdown of my marriage at the same time, but it was really a by product of me levelling up and becoming less tolerant of bad behaviour. I have been told in the last year/year and a half that I have had what is termed a major ‘glow up’. Every time I move into a phase of genuinely not caring about these people and what they are about (it comes in waves) then things always seem to get worse, or something happens to create drama (always from their side). The pattern is becoming clearer to me. I noticed it and have been sort of tracking it to test my theory.

    Seeing good friends this last week and the comments they have made has made me realise that when I am feeling good, I ‘glow’ (for want of a better term) and it’s like all those people who benefitted from me having no self esteem then try to knock me back down. When something good would happen to me (before) there would always be something to take the shine off of it, it could never be celebrated as an achievement. At home it would be ‘Oh that’s great’ then some unrelated drama that would enable him to be in a mood and rant and generally divert any attention away, and the good thing would be sidelined. That way he could say he was ‘supportive’ and celebrated things, but would then ruin it with something else and not be called out on it because it was something else. I noticed those patterns too.

    The lack of support on my TKD journey I realised was because he knew nothing about it so couldn’t tell me what I should do or dispense his ‘advice’ that had to be taken. Everything else I did it was always ‘you should do this’ and not as a suggestion as it implied, because if I didn’t do it his way it would for sure not work/go wrong. But with TKD that wasn’t possible. Even my first ever competition, he wished our kids good luck and didn’t say a word to me. And he was dropping them off… when I pointed out I was competing too, he just said ‘Oh, I didn’t know’ and proceeded to still say nothing. I was going early with our youngest (different timings). If I said anything it would be ‘but you don’t need it/like having any attention drawn to you’, which is true, but from your partner it is more about the support. I won 3 golds on my first competition and when he turned up with the boys it was after I had competed so I had no support even though I was as nervous as hell. Again, if I said anything it would be ‘you didn’t tell me you wanted us to come and watch you’. I mean how obtuse do you have to be to know your wife might want some support without having to ask for it. Seriously. Clearer vision is something else because at the time I felt I would have been too needy if I asked for that basic thing.

    After dropping the oldest two, he didn’t even ask how I got on. When the children did (they could see my trophy boxes) and I told them, he didn’t even look up let alone say anything. I felt awful then, but looking back I see that it was him not liking the fact that I was doing something he knew nothing about and had started getting good at it to boot. There was an area of my life that he had no control over.

    Writing stuff down reminds me more and more of particular instances and helps me understand which helps me get stronger. I think I need to do a general piece about the situation at TKD (detailed ones seperately) as that will give me strength going into the new week to face that.

    The more I think on it the more I feel a change might be just what I need. Not TKD, I love that too much, but where I train. Timing has to be just right though.

  • Noticeable Changes

    I have definitely been feeling more positive within myself lately. Writing whatever comes into my head about what I am currently feeling/thinking about has helped so much.

    I went out for a drink and a catch up last night with a great friend who I haven’t seen for a while after an extremely hard 3 hour training session yesterday. We are always in contact as we help each other with the kids etc.. but it has been quite a while since we have just gone somewhere and talked just me and her. And it was good. Arranged last minute and was something I didn’t realise I needed before she messaged about it.

    The lovely thing about my mindset lately is that I am reconnecting with good people in my life. My circle may be very small but it is made up of the best people I could hope to have and I am seeing this again with clearer vision and appreciating it. I will work hard to make sure that I don’t drift away and become as insular again as a way to protect myself. I need to remember that I do not need protecting from everyone and when I feel bad, these good people will keep me from disconnecting altogether. Last night was also another thing that made me realise how I am trying to break out of my lane as I wore a lovely dress that was not black. I don’t always wear black but I do a lot and there is usually always something that is black. Nothing was last night and previously I may have put this dress on and then chickened out, but this time I didn’t. It is small, but major for me.

    Having had three days on the bounce with catch ups and good things, there has been a definite message to me as every one of them has commented that I seem different, glowing and my friend last night said I seemed happier. Things haven’t improved to make me happier, I am just altering my viewpoint and figuring out possible solutions. I am also willing to change and look for the good in that rather than resisting it. I am also accepting certain things that I was hoping for will never be and it does give a sense of calm which I suppose lends itself to the feeling happier.

    Going to potter about doing chores today and chill as much as possible as I am wrecked from training yesterday. Only thing I will do today is my stretching routine as that is non negotiable 🙂 But I will do it later in the day.

  • Today…

    I have had a really good day today. Feeling a little sad still about the withdrawal of a certain person. I cannot complain but I have felt it and I miss him.

    However, I understand and can do nothing but accept it.

    I was productive at work, then I went to have a catch up with a very good friend who I don’t get to see that often. It was so good, and for once I actually got to talk to a real person about some things and how I am feeling. She did too. I am alway there for people when they have stuff going on as a listening ear, however and how much they need. The only thing with that is I tend to become the listener always and never the listened to so always remain alone with my issues which could be made better by talking it out.

    I have found lately swell, that this has happened in one particular case so when I do speak, it always circles back round to the other person and what they are going through, and quickly, even though we have gone over the same thing so very many times. It is never about me. I always felt I couldn’t say that as it seems to be so selfish of me, but I am now seeing that it isn’t, I need o talk too. I need my friends to be there for me like I am for them. I don’t need it all the time, just once in a while. I have also realised that when I do push through the circling and talk about me, whether it is a problem or something good that has happened, the conversation seems to end much more swiftly, but if I then start talking about them, they suddenly have more time again.

    I cannot change who I am, and how I am and I don’t even think I want to but I do have to set some boundaries with my time. Instead of being that person who drops everything to help a friend in need, I need to be discerning on whether it is the urgent matter that is being portrayed. Maybe even say I can’t see you in person today but lets call later, and keep it to a time limit.

    I think of all the times I stayed up till around 2am on many occasions talking through the same things to help someone feel better, but when we have been on about 11pm and I am talking, I suddenly get the whole ‘I have to go as I have to be up for work n the morning’ speech. There is a huge lesson for me there. Only give what time is actually free, don’t free it all the time by sacrificing myself because it is then expected and when it is requested by me, it is deemed unreasonable.

    My natural helpfulness just makes people use me. That is changing, and I have made changes with this already. Small steps, like conditioning people to respect my time and boundaries again. I do not want to fall out and I think an instant massive change may look like that. I want to get back to the friendship as it was before I became a dumping ground who was available at the drop of a hat. It is possible as this person is actually good people.

    My friend I saw today was the absolute tonic I needed. She is so level headed and does not pull any punches so I know I only hear the truth from her. Not in a mean way, just in a very clear defined caring way. She also told me she thought I looked really well, really healthy (I actually loved that), and I was glowing. I know it’s because my mindset is changing and I am becoming stronger. She is very perceptive 🙂

    I have training tomorrow and it is going to be hot, but I am looking forward to it in a way I cannot describe.

  • Last Night

    So, I went training last night on a night I haven’t been to for a long time. I knew my friend was also going to be there so I had some support from at least one person and could enjoy it if there was partner work. Which there was 🙂

    My main instructor wasn’t there again but I am feeling stronger (I really think writing things down is helping a lot) so decided that one toxic person was not going to stop me doing something I absolutely love.

    I am sure people got a real shock to see me there particularly as our instructor was away.

    There is a class tonight which I never go to. The venue itself and the way it is is just the most unwelcoming for me so I don’t ever bother, except when there is a particular class moved occasionally to that night after the regular class, and I dodge that wherever possible even though I hate to do that. Well I have decided that the one that has been moved there after tonights class I will not be attending. I was 50:50 and was only going to go if our instructor is back, and I saw earlier when I drove past that he isn’t. I also cannot see another car for a different instructor and am not willing to risk that he has asked the bully to take the extra after the class. There is literally no way I could bring myself to attend that. Too much opportunity for her to lie again and no one there who knows who will be on my side.

    I really think all my potential decisions and possible training future have opened my world view of my situation and it feels less despairing than it did. Even if I am still avoiding certain things I shouldn’t be.

    Going to practice my patterns at home instead 🥋

  • The morning after

    So training last night was interesting. No one in my class and not required for the main bit so I went outside to stretch and practice my patterns. Was OK initially but then appeared the toxic person’s daughter who is also involved in the bullying (let’s actually call it like it is) and has also lied about me. Came around to where I was and just plonked herself down. I refuse to even entertain it so I picked my stuff up and went elsewhere where I was in sight of the main door. Unfortunately her mother was in there and decided that instead of sitting where she ordinarily would (I know as I am usually inside the hall) she would stand by the open door so she was directly in my eyeline. I have measures I take when I am alone and could be put in a position where I may have to defend against any further lies in a she said/she said scenario. She did not once approach me or look at me directly that I saw but was whispering with someone else a fair bit. I know she herself sees this as people may be talking about her so also know that it was meant for me and to make me feel uneasy. Death by a Thousand Cuts… It did not work.

    The reason all this happened was because our instructor, who knows all about the situation and assists in my managing it, wasn’t there. I almost turned around when I saw his car missing and realised but the fire in me rose up and I said No way! Not today.

    I am also going training tonight where I don’t usually. Thankfully my friend will also be there and I have semi confided in her about the situation so I know she will keep her eyes open if he is not there again tonight.

    I will be doing another post after training later..

  • Current mindset

    I am finding that writing all these thoughts that cloud my head down here in this blog is really helping with my my positivity. I know I will still have ups and owns but it it is nice to have something that seems to be helping.

    I am off teaching and training again tonight so will have to deal with the toxic person and quite a few of the people she has turned against me. They are all there already when I turn up on this day. I always hold my head up high when I walk in and keep to myself. I would rather sit alone that try and mix with people like that just so I don’t feel like I am alone. If she thinks her ignoring me and putting on her show of popularity (not even genuine as she has manipulated people) bothers me, she clearly didn’t know me as well as she thought while she was pretending to be my friend. She saw the insecurities and is playing on them but missed the flip side to that coin for me where I I stand tall and say no. I know for a fine fact she would crumble in my shoes, but she thinks she is winning.

    I keep waiting to see people wise up to her, and I honestly think they are but she has managed to get or give the impression of having power so no one will stand up to or against her. Even if they now see and know the truth.. Time will tell. I may still be at the club to see it, I may not. Unfortunately for her, if I do switch it won’t be far and she will still have to see me improving in TKD and likely doing better as I won’t have to deal with her or any of her flying monkeys when I am at training. I can just train, which is all I want to do.

    We shall see what the evening brings..

  • New Day

    Waking up very tired today as I was chatting with my eldest for a long time and couldn’t sleep for ages after he went to bed. Am running on about 3 hours of sleep.

    Despite this, I woke up determined and have actually, potentially, found a solution to my financial predicament which I need under control to be able to move forward with my divorce. I have done my calculations and I will also be able to save some each month too. Hinges on one thing so I am keeping my fingers (and toes) crossed.. I will also still be able to have some kind of social life (it’s very limited anyway as I am a parent and have other responsibilities).

    My ability to feel down and still look for solutions has made me realise that anything is possible. There is always something we can do. Some details may have to alter, like I won’t be able to move forward with my plan just yet, but it doesn’t stop it.

    Not being able to move forward with the legalities does not stop me having the difficult conversation though and becoming officially separated though. Strides can be smaller steps as long as we are still heading towards our ultimate goal.

  • How I am feeling tonight

    I have covered the fact that I am in a very unhappy marriage, which has been dead for years and really needs to just be official already.

    However, my feelings are in flux tonight, not because of anything to do with my marriage but because I have feelings for someone else. He is a really wonderful person and we get along very well. He seems to have a soft spot for me, and has said and done things which make me think he returns my feelings, although nothing concrete has been said.

    Problem is, he is married. Because of this, I will not say anything about how I feel or behave inappropriately in any way whatsoever. If there is any interest he will have to tell me. I am loathe to even entertain the idea as he is married but as my own situation can attest to (and even that of my friend), you can be in a marriage and not be happy. My marriage has broken down beyond repair to the point I would only want contact because of the children. We will not be friends once we are divorced. However, my friend is on excellent terms with her soon to be ex-husband. They will for sure remain very good friends. Based on this, I know that things are not always clear cut black and white.

    I am in the position that I now need to try and forget him in that context as I suspect he is not happy, but he has to get to that place on his own. At least I have the privilege of knowing him as he really is a good person. Plus point is, I know my heart is not yet turned to stone. I am not looking but I am open and after everything I am taking that as a win.

  • My visit to a Medium

    Before COVID hit in 2019 I went to see a Medium who was recommended to me as ‘amazing’. All I can say is she was indeed amazing. I went to see her again recently. Mostly to see if I could get any guidance regarding my current home situation which is terrible. Put it this way, a divorce should have happened before I went to see her the first time.

    Again, she was amazing. So many specifics she could not possibly know or guess. My friend also went to see her the same day, straight after me and she got totally different things and messages, all very specific to her.

    Essentially the message was that it was OK to just muddle along while the children didn’t notice but now they are. Not my youngest but definitely my eldest, and my middle child is starting to. The biggest worry I have is money. I did not realise I was being backed into a corner financially and now that the marriage has broken down completely I have no knowledge of anything. There is a lesson there to anyone reading this. Either for yourself or someone you know. Even someone just starting out. Women must be able to keep financial independence, savings etc. Do not rely or let your spouse take control, know exactly what is going on. I have a battle ahead to find this out. And it also erodes your sense of being able to end things (if you want to that is), and no one should feel they have to stay because someone else controls the finances. No one should make you feel that way because it isn’t real, it’s not genuine and it is abuse. Whether it is obvious and large, or done in a manner which gives you the impression you have it when in actual fact you do not. I hope this helps someone as if I had been more involved I would be in a better position right now. Also learn to say no and stick to it regarding financial decisions that you are not comfortable or happy with.

    If I had done this, instead of allowing him to do everything because I didn’t want to make it seem like I didn’t trust him. I did, at the time, but it gave him complete control and now things have changed I am in a bad situation I am mentally struggling to find a way out of. He turned nasty once he realised I no longer wanted to be in a relationship with him. I am now being punished. Looking back, I see the signs I ignored and explained away or ignored for the sake of keeping the peace. At the time, I thought I was just compromising or being a good wife.

    I no longer want to be a wife, and am not sure I ever want to be again.